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Previously, on Lost: At Christian Shephard’s fake funeral, Jack is approached by Claire’s mother, who proceeds to tell Jack about Claire being his sister and his dad’s really Darth Vader, and Jack’s tiny head explodes. Kate gets a visit from attorney Dan Norton who wants a blood sample so his client can prove that Aaron’s not her baby. Kate gives him the blood sample. Just kidding! She runs, like always. She also gets a call from Sun, who is in LA, so she runs to Sun. Watch it, Sun, you might get all blowed up. Meanwhile, Hurley and Sayid are on the run from some goons that want to beat them up and Sayid gets hit with a drugged dart, so Hurley has to take him to Jack, but not before Hurley gets framed for a murder and … oh, it doesn’t matter. They’re all just trying to get back to the island, anyway. Back on the island, Richard tells Locke to get his people back to the island right before they do a little quantum leaping. Charlotte’s nose starts bleeding and she folds like a two dollar chair.

This week on Lost: On the island, our left-behinders are continuing their jaunt through time. Daniel’s concerned about Charlotte because her head is all scrambled, but she comes to and they continue. On their trek through the jungle, the group spots a beam of light shooting into the sky. We all know what time they’re in – yup, it’s five seasons ago, and Locke has just woken up Desmond after he banged on the hatch door real hard. Ah, those were the good old days before time travel and Tailies and Benjamin Linus … but I digress. Miles shares with Daniel that he’s having nosebleeds and demands to know what Dan knows. Dan says he thinks that the nosebleeds are proportionate to the amount of time spent on the island. Verrry interesting. Meanwhile, Sawyer spots Kate helping Claire to give birth to baby Aaron, and then it’s off to another time once again. This time, the left-behinders make their way to the beach and find no one around. Someone has left some outrigger canoes behind, though, and a calling card in the form of a water bottle. It says Ajira Airways, and if you want to know more, I’ve briefly seen a metric crap-ton of background info on them on the interwebs. You can Google it. Me, I think I’ll just wait and let the show share with me.

Note to prop department: It’s spelled A-Q-U-A-F-I-N-A

Anywho, the left-behinders figure that it’s finders keepers, so they steal an outrigger and head out to sail around the island towards the Orchid. On the way, however, they find themselves chased by another group of people in another outrigger, and they have guns! They must be Stormtroopers, because they can’t shoot for shit. Beautiful Juliet can, though, and she proves how a real woman pops a cap in the island hood. The gunfire from missus gorgeous buys them a little time until the Great White Light comes down to whisk them away … to a storm! They manage to make their way to shore at night, and they all find some wreckage on the beach. Now Juliet has a nosebleed. Oh, say it ain’t so.

Off island, three years later, the Oceanic 6 are up to the usual shenanigans. Someone’s trying to steal baby Aaron and Jack gets involved. They follow the attorney that came to Kate’s house to a motel and find Claire’s mother answers the door. Jack goes inside to talk to her and we find out she knows nothing about the baby or about Claire. In the meantime, Sun’s received a package with some photos of Ben and a box of chocolates. Like Forrest’s mom always said, you never know what you’re gonna get, because in the bottom is a pistol. Looks like Sun’s ready for a little revenge.

Later, Jack takes Kate to the docks to meet Sun and Aaron. Ben and Sayid show up and Kate is not happy. She’s finally figured out that Ben’s been trying to take her baby. Well, duh. Ben acknowledges that it’s true and tells Kate that she should just shut her pie hole because Aaron is just not her son. Over out of sight, Sun cocks her gun and gets ready to live out an old Klingon proverb.

Back on the island, some French-speaking men and women are in a life-raft during a storm and they find a man floating on a bit of debris. They drag him in the boat and flip him over. It’s Jin! In the morning, they’ve made it to the beach and Jin is a bit out of it. The french woman tends to him and gives him water. We see that she’s pregnant. Jin thanks her and she asks his name. He gives it. Then she gives hers: Danielle Rousseau. Awesome.

Cue the thonk!

All right, people, this week we have some new ground to cover, and for once, the first item on the agenda isn’t time travel! I assure you, I’m feeling okay, no fever or anything. It’s just that, well … something really started turning over in my brain last week when Kate was paid a visit by those blood-seeking lawyers. I assure you, we’ll talk a bit about the perils of time travel and those who chose to write about it, as well as some speculation about that Ajira Airways water bottle. For now, however, it’s time to play …

WHO’S YOUR BABY DADDY?
So. And. But. Yes. Little baby Aaron. The Island baby. Ol’ Turnip-head. Your mom’s Claire, and she’s back on a big ol’ mysterious island, surrounded by smoke monsters and your grandfather Christian – you remember him, right? He’s your grandfather … but who’s your daddy? Waaay back at the dawn of time, say, five seasons ago, we got a glimpse into your mom’s past. In it we saw that she was shacking up with a guy named Thomas. Thomas was an artist, and he painted some very strange pieces.

You might have seen this picture before. Pay no mind to the green haze around one picture, you’ll understand in a minute.

At first, Thomas was really shocked that your mum was preggers with you. Then he got all excited. Then, a few months later, he wasn’t so excited anymore. For some reason, Thomas didn’t really want you anymore. So, he left. That’s when your mom wanted to give you up for adoption … that is, until she met that weird psychic who told her that she must raise you herself. Great danger surrounds you, he said. He was sort of like a weird-looking Australian Yoda. Anyway, your mum didn’t listen to the psychic and she tried to set you up for an adoption, but she got cold feet and ran back to Aussie Yoda and he said: “Found good people, I have. Send you to them, I will.” And he gave her a plane ticket and sent her along the way and wished her good Force and all that, and, so … she left on that jet plane. And 44 days later, you were born. On The Island. And people oohed and ahhed, because you were the first baby born on that island in a very, very long time.

Once upon a time on The Island there was a man named Desmond. He was trapped inside a hatch, pushing a button like a rat in a science experiment, until your friend John Locke let him out. Desmond was confused, at first, and ran off into the jungle, only to show up later to help your friend John. You see, it was now John’s turn to push the button, but he didn’t want to. He was mad. He let the button go unpushed. That was a very bad thing. Desmond was shocked that John had not pushed the button, so he grabbed a key and climbed down beneath the button and threw a switch. Everything thing went all white.

When Desmond woke up, he was back in his past. He was living with his girlfriend Penny back then, and she had a terribly mean father named Charles Widmore. Charles did not like Desmond. He didn’t think Desmond was very good for his daughter. Desmond wanted to marry Penny, so he visited Charles in his office, so that he could ask for Charles’s blessing. While in the office, though, Desmond saw many strange and unusual paintings. One of them actually belonged to your father, Thomas.

See? Just like back before you were born. Except this was WAY before you were born. Strange, huh?

Needless to say, Charles did not give his blessing to Desmond. Charles was terribly mean and told Desmond that he will never be a great man. This made Desmond very sad, and he left, and went to a jewelry store to buy Penny a ring anyway, but he met a very old time-traveling lady by the name of Mrs. Hawking who told him he couldn’t buy the ring, and … well, that’s a whole other story.

Once upon a time, there was a man named Charles Widmore. In his older years, Charles was a very rich man, but he was also a very lost man. Charles had enough money to buy anything in the world, but he was still very unhappy. You see, when he was young, something was taken away from him. Something very precious. It left a big whole in his heart, and he spent the rest of his life and his fortune trying to find it again. That thing … was The Island.

On The Island is a group of people known as The Others. They liked wearing capris and sneaking around the jungle and going on and on about protecting The Island. You probably remember them because your mom and some of your friends seemed to be running away from them all the time. Well, Charles used to be one of them.

That’s him, when he was young. Charles never smiled, even as a young man.

Anyway, at some point in Charles’s life, he was forced to leave the island. No one really knows exactly why, but I’ll tell you what I think, ol’ Turnip-head. I think he had to leave the island because his wife was pregnant. You remember what I said about you being the only baby to be born on the island in a very, very long time? Well, that’s because women who get pregnant on the island are very likely to die before they give birth. Charles knew this, and he didn’t want his wife to die, so he was forced to take her away from the island. Unfortunately, if you leave the island without permission, you can never find your way back. So, Charles had a very bitter decision to make. Lucky for you, though, he decided to save your grandmother.

Yes, that’s right, I said your grandmother. You see, inside Charles’s wife’s belly was their first child, Penelope. I guess she would be your Aunt Penny. Later, after Penny was a little older, a son was born to Charles. His name was Thomas. Your father. Now, how can I say this delicately? I’m not entirely sure your grandmother is your grandmother, let me put it that way. But I’m pretty darn sure that Charles is your grandpap, and we all know that Thomas was your dad. Thomas Widmore, drawn to paint strange scenes he would never understand, even as a child, which his proud father Charles displayed in his office for all to see … especially a special man named Desmond.

So, little Aaron – ol’ Turnip-head, Island Baby – I’m happy to tell you that you’re an Other. Welcome to the family.

A CONSTANT PAIN IN MY NECK
Okay, so I was wrong; I speculated last week that I was entertaining the possibility of Richard being the constant for the left-behinders who weren’t getting nosebleeds. After this week’s episode, it’s becoming clear that’s not the case. We saw both Miles and Juliet get nosebleeds, which isn’t consistent with that theory. If it was only Miles, I wouldn’t rule it out, but Juliet knows Richard better than anyone currently on that island and if he can’t serve as a constant for her then he can’t serve as a constant for anyone.

My theory that the island could serve as the left-behinders’ constant is still very viable, however, especially given Daniel’s cryptic comment to Miles after his nosebleed. Dan tells Miles that he’s pretty sure the nosebleeds are proportional to the amount of time someone has spent on the island. Miles, like many out there I’m sure, says WHAT? That can’t possibly be true because some of the Survivors had been on the island for months before the freighter arrived carrying them. Oho, says Dan, are you sure you know exactly how long you’ve been on the island?

All this means, of course, is that Miles and Charlotte have been on the island before and spent a significant amount of time there – at least longer than three years, since Juliet is third in line to get nosebleeds and she got to the island in late 2001/early 2002. Remember, now, that “island time” is currently early 2005. You may remember in the finale last season that Charlotte remarked to Daniel that she was still looking for the place she was born. On top of that, the cryptic remark by Miles that Charlotte was glad to “finally get back on the island” was still hanging around. I recap and speculate a bit more about all this in the recap for “There’s No Place Like Home” but, essentially, it just confirms that Charlotte is an island baby … or at least had been there as a child.

Anywho, that means that Sawyer and Locke are next on the hit parade. They’re all going to slowly unravel with the Island, if the other survivors don’t make it back in time. The nosebleeds will worsen because of how intimately the left-behinders’ temporal strings are entwined with that of the island. Basically, the island is going to start exhibiting its own sort of nosebleed because it doesn’t have its complete compliment of constants. All the lives and energy and power that surround the Island, the survivors and the Others are so intimately entwined that the island doesn’t have enough string to guide itself back home. And, so, if the other survivors don’t make it back in time, the island will skip off into time forever, never finding its way back to its rightful spot in the natural timeline of reality.

Or something like that. Work with me here. These writers are making it harder and harder to use real temporal theory to figure all this out.

YOU’RE JUST NOT THINKING FOURTH DIMENSIONALLY … AGAIN.
My girlfriend Lindsay brought up a good point during this week’s episode, and it’s similar to something I’ve thought about and briefly mentioned before. So, I thought I’d mention it here. Basically, she wanted to know if the island had moved both in time and space, because if it was just time, then the island really wouldn’t have moved, it would have just gone through time and then returned back to its spot instantly, continuing its existence as if it had never left.

Well, that’s not really how it works out, in theory. Essentially, when Ben turned the Great Wheel and the White Event occurred, the Island instantly jumped into the future. My best guess is that it reappeared three years later, right around the time that Ben has to get them all back on the island within a certain amount of time. If that happened, then it would appear to the Oceanic 6 on the helicopter that the island had vanished and had moved somewhere else. It really didn’t move, though, it just shifted in time. Now the island is skipping back and forth in time from past to present, trying to find a place to settle.

Now, I will say that Lindsay put a seed of thought in there, because she mentioned Ben’s teleporting. Excellent point, I say. It could be possible that the Island is shifting both in time and space, which would make Mrs. Hawking’s pendulum plots from the season opener (see my analysis of “Because You Left”) make more sense. What makes even more sense is that the island is very unlikely to pop back into a timeline in the same place because the Earth is moving. I’m not going to delve too deeply into this one, as it’s a whole post in itself, but basically it would be like if you plucked a sticker off a ball that was both spinning and rolling around the room on a specified track. You’d wait until the ball came back around toward you and then plop the sticker on there, but it would probably be in a very different location than before. There were two variables – the rotation and the elliptical movement – that affected where the sticker would land. More than likely, it wouldn’t be far off the same axis of rotation of the ball, but there could be slight variations if the ball was rotating on, say, a tilted axis. Like the Earth.

So, you see … this sort of plot makes a helluva lot of sense if you’re using mathematical probabilities to determine where something’s going to be when it pops out the other end of the space-time continuum.

Just something to chew on. Thanks to my girlfriend. Good job, babe.

AND JUST A SMALL THOUGHT ON OL’ SMOKEY
Is Cerberus a time cop? Some sort of natural construct that exists on the island to keep things in check, maybe? Perhaps it’s rogue. It can see people’s pasts, just as it did with Eko in season two. At any rate, it’s been awhile since Ol’ Smokey’s been pestering people, so if it is a time cop, it’s doing a lousy job.

ERRATA
I was going to speculate more on the Ajira Airways bottle, who might be in the outrigger canoes, what might happen back at the Orchid, etc., but it’s late and I’ve rambled on long enough. I will say one last thing, though – it’s good to see Jin made it through, and it’s even more awesome that we get to see him with young Danielle. Things are going to get interesting.

Until next time, keep thinking those good thoughts and if you hit an epiphany, toss it my way.

Namaste.

Visit hobotrashcan.com to see Chris’ weekly LOST drink recipe!

Related posts:

1. “Jughead” Recap, Thoughts & Theories By Chris Kirkman
2. “Because You Left/The Lie” Thoughts & Theories By Chris Kirkman
3. “The Little Prince” Recap by Jeremiah

Tags: Aaron, Chris Kirkman, Claire, Desmond, Kate, LOST Theories, recaps&reviews, Season 5, The Little Prince, Widmore